Anxiety, Toads and Butterflies

Tonight I am sitting in bed, listening to my daughters giggle and talk to each other while they wind down from the day. As I listen to them, I cant help but hope that they will always have this special bond between them, that best friend bond even after a day of bickering and at each others throats, they end each day talking as if nothing happened.

Well tonight I am going to be real and Im going to be raw. I suffer from anxiety and living through a pandemic is probably any anxiety sufferer's biggest fear come true. I didn't even know I had anxiety until about 5 years ago. I always knew something wasn't right .. I just never knew it had a name or was something that others suffered from. Once I realized I wasn't completely crazy and that this thing had a name.. and others had it too.. it changed me and my life.

I am not telling you about my struggles asking for pity or trying to get attention. I talk about my struggles because they are so real and so many people suffer from them. Once I found out I wasn't alone, it was like I finally realized that maybe, just maybe I could feel better.

Anxiety is like having those two little creatures on your shoulders - whether you imagine them as an angel and a devil or whatever creatures come to your mind - one on each shoulder - one representing good and one representing evil.. its like having that evil one constantly nagging at you.. while the good one is unusually quiet and silenced with all the noise. Its like the evil one is always there.. trying to stir up trouble... "Are you sure you are good enough?" "Is it enough?" "You could've done better!" "Was there more behind that conversation?" "What could go wrong here?" Its like always waiting for the next "big thing" to happen.

I remember as a little kid worrying.. oh man did I worry. Little did I know that at such a young age, anxiety had already taken its toll on me. As I got older and then became a mother, it overcame me. I finally got help, and couldn't be more thankful for the people that helped me through some really dark times.

So I told you tonight I was going to be real... and I was going to be raw. So there it is.. Anxiety sucks.. and its real.. so real. It's not just something that we make up in our heads. It's not just being worried about something more than the next person. It's all encompassing.. its overwhelming, and somedays.. its just enough to survive it and get through.

As a ND mom living through a pandemic with severe anxiety, this has been a whirlwind of a year for me. I told my husband the other day.. that living through a pandemic for someone with anxiety... is like all of our biggest fears coming true and coming to light. It's like watching the whole world finally see what we've been so worried about.

All in all, I feel that even though its been hard, thanks to amazing people in our lives, routine, and some definite constants.. Im making it through okay.  My heart skips a beat each time I hear one of my children cough. My mind races at night to the point where I don't sleep much.. and then I nap most of the afternoon.. but overall.. we are doing good.

Somedays are really really good.. others.. its an hour at a time. Routine, consistency, and finding small joys in each day has been my saving grace. Our lives changed so quickly with the pandemic.. I went from working full time to being a stay at home mom (working from home). I went from being a social butterfly who loved to get out and seek the next adventure.. whether its a county fair, concert, or road trip.. to my only outings being to the grocery store and our local $ General. I went from a pretty strict routine with a daily purpose.. to waking up each morning not quite sure anymore of that purpose and absolutely no routine.

I know that through this pandemic and a person that suffers from anxiety, that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I know so many people have it way worse than I do. So many have lost jobs, lost loved ones, and are going through unbearable circumstances. But it doesn't dismiss my thoughts and feelings either. It doesn't dismiss my fears and worries.. that all of that is still lurking around the corner for us.. (remember that evil one is constantly nagging!).

So tonight, I look for the joy in the day. I look for the good. Today was a good day! I finished the first draft of my masters paper. We enjoyed an afternoon walk, caught toads and butterflies, ran through the sprinkler, and enjoyed an evening bike ride. Today I am thankful that God gave us so many blessings even through the darkness.. He is there. He shows us He is there.. we just have to look.

I will close tonight with this prayer:

Dear Lord,
Thank you for giving us hope and joy even amongst the hardships in our world right now. Its the little things Lord, a toad, a butterfly, a beautiful ND sunset, that remind us you are right beside us through the hard times. Anxiety is the devil's playground. I know that and I know that you are right besides me fighting for me. Please be with all those that also suffer Lord. Those that suffer from anxiety, those that worry about the pandemic, and those that have lost loved ones, jobs, and are going through tough times. Help us Lord to find peace in the world. Help us to find a cure to Covid19. Help us to find a way back to our normal lives.. but better.. better than we were before. Help us to come out of this with you in the forefront. Help us to turn to you for comfort and peace.
In your name I pray, Amen.